if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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