just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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