god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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