at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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