why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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