i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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