You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
