happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
