I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
