omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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