my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So much rum. So many feels.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
