I can text with my tongue
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I came so hard my ears popped.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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