Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
