HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
