come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
