I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
