My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
