Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
