Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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