I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
