I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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