I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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