Jerry, you need to find god
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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