Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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