I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
