Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
