how can u be prego again
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
