And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize