I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Randomize
