new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
