it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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