I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
