I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
