im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you guys were way drunker than both of me
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
