That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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