is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
