I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
