1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
