I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
