He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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