I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
