I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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