Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
