Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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