it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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