I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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