I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
