I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
