She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
