you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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