i think my mom watched the whole time
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're a waste of cheezeits
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
