I CAN MOONWALK!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
