So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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