listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
