It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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