I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
