fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my shit smells like andre
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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