Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
